I expect that after your initial revulsion came the following thought: The only thing better than seeing this hairiest-of-babies on Katherine's blog would be to have it on a t-shirt. And you know what? Everything is possible. This is America.
Exhibit B:
From whence this revelation, you ask? Well, credit must be given where credit is due. Primarily to a Mr. B. Wynia, who was responsible for both the concept and the design of the Hairy Baby. You see, this summer we became intimately acquainted with the stages of fetal gestation, thanks to the pregnancy of our office compadre Robyn, and learned such gems as the fact that fetuses have TAILS which do not disappear until about 15 weeks (tails, people!) and that at about 21 weeks, a fine hair, called lanugo, begins to grow all over the baby's body AND FACE, and is usually shed before birth. Into the uterus. Your unborn baby, once rid of its TAIL, sheds hair into your uterus. And these creatures aren't considered parasites? Anyway.
Robin (my sister, not to be confused with Robyn, who is pregnant) was quite disgusted to learn this. We learned it right before a delicious Refectory lunch one day, and at lunch, Robin shared our newfound knowledge with all those sitting at the table, including Blake, who, as a second-year med student, is the closest GSW comes to having a doctor on staff. "Oh yeah," he says, laden with nonchalance, "you didn't know that? And that's why you can only have a limited number of babies in your life--with each baby, the hair gradually builds up in your uterus so there's finally no more room. That's part of why it's harder to lose weight, too."
As smart as all of us employees are at that haven of NC's best and brightest, some of us are also quite gullible, and Robin, bless her heart, believed this preposterous tale, and now, even after realizing her error, has sworn off baby-having for the foreseeable future. Which is good, since she's a mere wisp of a 20-year-old herself and since this is what they look like at 8 weeks. Parasites. Or aliens. But all's I know is, it ain't natural.
Still, natural or not, the hairy baby t-shirts have caused quite a stir among all who have seen them, an audience which now spans at least 4 states and 2 countries, thanks to the modeling efforts of Robin, Jodi, and Alexis. The best reactions are the simple ones, like from Jodi's kids at camp, whose jaws dropped as they ogled her shirt: "That's a HAIRY BABY." Because that's exactly what it is. I can see the shirts also coming in very handy as abstinence-promotion tools. Maybe we can sell them to public-school health classes and Christian fundamentalist camps across the country. The possibilities are truly mind-blowing, no? So keep the checks coming in, only $19.95 plus shipping. As seen on TV. Or at least the internet. I think I have a future in finance....
The other financial revelation I have had recently came about while perusing the prospectus for the mutual fund that will support me in my retirement. I have saved a grand total of about $3,000 to last me from age 65 onward. Oh, but don't worry, the Social Security Administration's got my back in case that's not enough. And I have the feeling that $3,000 is going to multiply exponentially given that there are over 6 billion people in the world to exploit and the U.S. Government and its favorite pet corporations have only gotten to maybe half of them so far. Let me explain.
So I'm looking at the prospectus for the "Cornerstone Strategy Fund," a name that holds just the appropriate amount of enigma for the average facile investor. I chose this fund because I was talking to the USAA mutual fund analyst and he said it was a good, stable choice with little-to-moderate risk, a variety of investments in a variety of companies, and great growth potential. How can you lose, right? I've had it for about two years, it grows steadily, I don't feel there's much risk involved, and so basically I'm getting exactly what was promised. So I'm reading the prospectus, which I have never done before, but after discovering that my grandmother has thriving stakeholdings in Monsanto (knowing only that she makes money off of them and probably totally unaware that it's blood money), I was a little worried about what I might find. As well I should have been. Because...drumroll...little old me, whose Facebook profile proclaims her to be "Very Liberal," who espouses progressivism, feminism, regime change, equality, love for one's fellow humans and planet, etc, has stock in the following companies:
Wal-Mart, the root of all evil
Halliburton (and about 50 other oil companies), the spawn of all evil
Lockheed-Martin, the perpetuators of evil
Procter & Gamble, the evil animal-testers
Altria and Loews (tobacco companies)/cancer manufacturers
Abercrombie & Fitch, sweatshoppers and damaging-advertising purveyors extraordinaire
A bunch of mining companies
A bunch of biotech, "healthcare," and pharmaceutical companies with sinister names like "Salix Pharaceuticals," "Viropharma, Inc.," "Immucor Corp.," and "Haemonetics Corp."
to name a few.
Now, I was listening to an interview with Dolly Parton in which she spoke of her songs as being like children to her, because they were going to support her in her old age. I think you see where I'm going with this. By this count, my children are Wal-Mart, Halliburton and friends. I now know what Shakespeare meant by "from forth the fatal loins...." I think I had better commit to abstinence before anything bad happens (o guide me, hairy baby). Or at least start looking for a green mutual fund. Or else in my next life, I might come back as a citizen of a third-world country at the mercy of my own evil children.
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